Disclaimer: I am not a certified phycologist nor do I have any sort of a degree in counseling. This information has come from experience and research I have done on the subject.
As a Christian, I believe we sometimes feel at a disadvantage when it comes to toxic people. We feel stuck dealing with their issues because they have slapped a big fat 'MUST FORGIVE ME' sticker on our backs. They use our own beliefs against us, twisting the truth and justifying their behavior; making us feel shameful when we finally decide we have had enough of their drama. I have felt the guilt of not responding with a Christ-like attitude or feeling like the one who really has the issue. So I set out on a journey. A journey to expose the truth of the matter and to heal from the co-dependency I have lived with because of the toxic and dysfunctional environment I grew up in. Below are the steps I have been taking in order to receive healing from my past hurts and dysfunctional upbringing. I have a long road ahead but I'm willing to take it, not only for myself but for the ones I love.
I know what your thinking, "What?! Okay she's crazy. Why would I blame myself for OTHER PEOPLE'S problems!?" Okay maybe blaming yourself isn't the best solution. What I really mean is if you want to learn how to deal with other peoples toxicity, you must first address your own. Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships with toxic people simply because we are attracted to them through our own toxicity. We must first address the toxic attitudes, mindsets, and actions we posses. Once we begin to change those things in ourselves it will change the type of people we are attracted to and who we surround ourselves with. The best way I have found to do this is to set out on a 'self-healing' journey. It's time to heal from past experiences that are affecting your present. There are a few different ways you can go about this. Christian counseling is one of the best tools you can pick up. Find a Christian counselor who will work with you on dealing with those past hurts and pains from a biblical perspective. Reading God's Word accompanied with prayer (alone time) with God. Alone time with God is most important in this process. It gives you a chance to really release those emotions which have been suppressed inside of you. You can say things to God that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying to another person. AND He listens. One of the other tools I have found to be most helpful, is YouTube. Yes, YouTube. If you are not in a financial position to pay for counseling you can find all sorts of helpful videos online. Keep in mind there are a lot of counselors and psychologists that don't teach from a biblical perspective so they can get into some weird stuff-- use discretion. The next helpful tool I suggest would be books. Find yourself some encouraging books to read through this healing process. My husband bought me a book called 'Uninvited' which is focused on dealing with the rejection in our lives. Surrounding yourself with people who encourage you to heal is HUGE. It's hard to heal when you are surrounded by people who are weighing you down and are unintentionally hurting you further. Since you will be in such a vulnerable place you want to make sure you set up proper boundaries. If the people around you can not respect those boundaries they are probably toxic and you should consider putting that relationship on hold until you are strong enough to either re-engage or to let go of it for good. I will touch more on boundaries towards the end of this blog.
Step 2: Identifying a toxic person. Here are some warning signs:
1. They talk more than they listen. Dominating the conversations often signals insecurity, self-centeredness, or narcissism.
2. They always need to be right. No matter how big or small the topic is, the toxic person doesn't allow room for differing opinions and turns a discussion into a debate that must be won.
3. There's constant drama. Some people attract and maybe need consistent episodes of crisis, conflict, and clamor. They seem to thrive on having a big personal mess to clean up and feel uncomfortable with a calm routine.
4. Telling the truth is not a high priority. Even slight variations on what you know to be the truth, or careful omission of facts, is enough to pay close attention to this person.
5. There are signs of addiction or dependency. If left unaddressed compulsive behavior involving alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, and other issues is sure to damage many aspects of the individuals life-- including your relationship.
6. Desperation. Emotionally healthy people will be eager to get to know you as an individual--not overeager to get into a relationship because of loneliness or neediness.
7. They always have something sarcastic to say. Derogatory comments and cutting humor, even if you aren't the target, signal a lack of empathy or a need to prove they are superior.
8. Straight answers are scarce. To your direct questions you get evasive responses, mixed messages, or contradictions. The person gets cagey about where they were last night or how things are at work. If you get the feeling they are hiding something, they probably are.
9. The person has a victim mentality. All of their problems are someone else's fault. Constant blame-shifting usually presents a lack of personal responsibility.
10. "Common folk" are treated disrespectfully. Rude, insensitive behavior toward restaurant servers, dry-cleaners, and store clerks reveal an arrogant attitude.
11. The person likes to gossip. They take no thought in harming others' reputations while trying to puff up their own.
12. They bash on their ex. Justified or not, no one wants to hear endless complaints about a former partner. There's nothing healthy about staying stuck in the past. It's time to move on.
13. Grandiose stories. They will exaggerate accomplishments, acquaintances, and adventures. They feel a need to brag which reveals shaky self-esteem.
14. They will try to control you. If you feel the pressure to act or think according to someone else's wishes rather than your own-- head for the exit. But be aware, since they can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you through gossip.
15. Trust your gut. Your intuition is usually right, so when it screams "look out!" you should listen.
16. They are suckers. They will suck you dry of energy, money, time, etc.. If you leave a conversation or a visit with someone feeling completely drained, they are probably toxic for you.
Now that we have some pointers on how to identify these toxic people in our lives, let's talk about forgiveness. Forgiveness is something toxic people (especially Christians and family members) like to hang over our heads. They will use the bible or whatever theology they posses to prove why you must forgive them and let them back into your life. They will use your own convictions against you when it is beneficial for them. Don't fall for it. Forgiveness and allowing someone back into your life are two separate things. It IS possible to forgive someone without getting wrapped up in their cycle of dysfunction. Forgiveness is for you more so than it is for the other person. The bible emphasizes on forgiving others so that YOU can be forgiven. It's for you. Scientifically speaking its actually healthy for our bodies to forgive. Did you know that you can actually become sick from unforgiveness and bitterness? And not just like flu sick--like CANCER sick. So when you forgive someone, you are not only opening up a door of forgiveness for yourself but you are also opening up a door of health for your body. And I think something that is overlooked by many is forgiveness of self. You have to forgive yourself. When you make mistakes, don't be so hard on yourself. You are human. And when you feel the temptation to take responsibility for others mistakes, DONT DO IT. Sometimes we take on guilt for other peoples problems even if they aren't our fault. LET IT GO. Forgive yourself and stop taking on other peoples guilt and shame. We are instructed to carry our brothers burdens and to love one another, but that doesn't mean to take on everyone's toxicity. A toxic person is like an infection in the body of Christ. They will leech onto and contaminate those around them if not stopped. Paul talks about these kind of people in the New
Testament. There are some people, no matter what they claim to be, who we are just not supposed to have fellowship with. AND THAT'S OKAY. It doesn't make you any less of a Christian to protect your own well being and peace or to protect your families. You can pray for those people but you are not required to associate with them. This brings us to the next step.
Step 3: Boundaries.
If you do decide to proceed in a relationship with someone who may be toxic for you--and I say toxic for you, because sometimes these people are not bad people, but they are bad for you-- you need to set some healthy boundaries. Toxic people will have a hay day wrecking havoc in a persons life who has no boundaries. Now don't expect unhealthy people to respect your healthy boundaries because they just don't know how. I heard it said that our brain is like a toolbox/shed and we can only use the tools we posses in our shed. Some people do not posses the tools they need to live an emotionally or physically healthy life, and so they can not be expected to use tools THEY DON'T HAVE. Though you should still set some boundaries for you and your family.
Time Boundaries- I realized one of the main reasons I was getting so drained by toxic people in my life is that I did not set time boundaries. I would give WAY too much of my time to people who drained me of my energy and confidence. You can stop this by setting time constraints on: visits, phone calls, play dates, messages, and any other interaction you have with them. If you find that after 20 minutes you can't stand them anymore, then maybe you should only interact with them for 20 minutes and then leave or end the conversation. Another boundary I failed to set was taking charge of my own life. I allowed myself to become a victim of toxic people by not reminding myself that I am in charge. I would give all the power of the relationship over to the other person, relinquishing my say-so. This was an easy thing for me to do because I was raised as a co-dependent so it wasn't abnormal for decisions to be made for me. Making decisions for your own life is one of the most powerful tools you can posses. Don't wait around for others to decide for you, build confidence and choose for yourself. Difficult people will try to make you believe that you are over reacting by setting these boundaries in your life, they will ridicule you because they can see that they are losing control of you. This is the scariest thing for a toxic person-- to lose control. They must posses it, even if it means now controlling how others see you. Everyone will have different boundaries; they will decide what is acceptable and unacceptable for them. When your boundaries are pushed it gives you an opportunity to better understand who you are and what is really important to you, and to develop a voice to claim your territory and declare your value. If you are finding you have set firm boundaries and the toxic person keeps disrespecting them, your last step may be to go no-contact. This can be difficult at first, but in order to give yourself time to heal and to regroup, it may be necessary.
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